Of the already formed I ran to...

 

 

"Home should be somewhere you can always return to whether you loose or win". It should be a place where you are not ashamed to let down your guards, your insecurities, your fears. It is the starting and the ending point. In other words, it is home first, then other things, and then home again. 

Confused?(smile winks**) Come, follow me through, slowly...

If you have ever been in someone else's space, say a house, town, or village that isn't yours, especially if this person isn't so welcoming, you won't need to be taught how to value your home; regardless of how little or inconsequential. Nonetheless, when I say home, it does not necessarily mean a house where your relatives abide in. Some home are made up of relatives though. While some aren't. But whichever it is, the most important thing is, that a home is somewhere you feel comfortable in; a place that doesn't make you question your sense of belonging. Of course, it could be ridden with it's own troubles, but it's home, because you are always welcomed here. No matter what you do here, you don't overstay your welcome.    

During the periods of my second year in the University, around 2021, things became really tough for me. Not like things had been any easier...it hadn't. But when I say things became tough, I actually mean that things became even harder. I could barely eat. 

I was shuttling from house to school (obviously for lack of organized funds to get a hostel or lodge anywhere closer), and at this time, I literally needed to be in school almost everyday. My school was trying really hard to cover up for the times missed during the long strike cum lockdown period. We were running four semesters in a year. Thus, there was no time to do a part time work of any sort to help cater for myself. I was deadly broke. And on top, I still had to think of what to eat, drink, wear, go to school with and then contribute to family too. It was excruciatingly depressing. 

 Well, somehow, I managed through 2021...thank God for people like my younger brothers. My siblings? Gosh! I have never seen any like them. They are one of my most precious gifts in life. 

After my 200 level exams, I knew I needed to get money. I hadn't dreamt of letting work affect my education, but I could not bear the thought of being a burden to anybody, let alone my own siblings. So, when the year 2022 came, I was looking for work seriously.

As fate would have it, I saw myself working as a waitress in a hotel bar. Now, this wasn't what I am used to. I mean, the bar/hotel environment and all. Don't get it twisted though; it's not like I have not worked before. I have. As a matter of fact, it's as if I have worked my whole life, because at 17, I was already working officially as an office girl. But my work has always been limited to the computer/cyber cafe world. 

Sincerely speaking, the hotel/bar world wasn't somewhere I would say I love working in. However, one has got to survive anyway. Hence, the point shifted from matter of what I hated or liked, to the dying need to survive. I had to do something save myself, and thus, it became what it was. 

going home at the end of every shift usually came with this sigh of relieve and great eagerness. One who sees me so eager and happy to go back home would think my home was a paradise of some sort. But I alone knew the truth. I alone knew that home isn't anywhere close to paradise, neither is the living condition better than the living condition of the hotel by any standard. Yet, for me, home would always be home. This is where I can comfortably call mine; where I can relax and allow myself feel free to do anything. 

Certainly, home is home, and for us humans, two homes exist - the home we form, and the home already formed. Everyday I go home from work, it is to the home we form. However, Everytime I go home from failure, or sadness or depression, it is to the home already formed - the home of the body, soul and spirit. 

The day I lost out in a competition, I had ran to this very home - home of the body and soul. The day a friend left me, it was to the same home I ran to. And the day I felt rejected, unwanted and broken, this same home had harboured me. Here, I let myself understand that I have nothing else left but myself. I let my tears wet my pillow; let me feel the aweful pangs of failure, carry myself like the only kernel I have left in the fire. And at the end, I hug me with both hands, kiss me on my hands and prepare myself to try again.   

Just like our physical body is structured to heal up whenever injured, our inner, the one that holds the things we don't see or touch is so structured too.  

When we are depressed, one thing is certain - we feel less. Whether it is the less of practical failure or the less of not being that which we think or suppose we want/are to be, the fact still remains that it's impact literally makes us reduce our own value by our own self. In other words, when we are depressed, it is that we are tired of life in itself; literally translating to being tired of even that which keeps us alive. Sometimes, the pain and hate become so terrible that to die could be considered an escape/relieve. But, is this really a relieve? Maybe...or maybe not.  

This is something most people don't know; that your own body, soul and spirit ought to be a home. It should the barracks, where the coming or going of different soldiers doesn't tamper with its existence. "Soldier go, soldier come, barracks remains". 

 Our home is the only place left for us to go to anytime we loose all other earthly possessions, and so should our body, spirit and soul be where we run to when nothing seems to work. Sure, running to people for comfort is fine, but trust me, no comfort is more than that which you give yourself. Besides, if running to other people is what you do everytime, what happens when there is no one to run to? 

 

At this point, someone might want to ask, "what if I am unable to give myself the needed comfort, what else is there to be done? 

Well my dear, you see, the first step to overcoming depressing needs of any kind is to be able to recognize your soul as home and in turn, learn to feel comfortable in yourself. 

The second, is in your ability to treat your own body, soul and spirit just thesame way you would treat your physical home. That is, in understanding that whether good or bad, your home is your home. Whether you fail or win, you can always return inside of yourself and feel relieve. Talk of recoiling back to one's shell until it is safe to come out again.

Actually, the healing and reinforcement power within us is such that even the Christian Jesus recognizes it's importance. Aye, I am saying that this is similar to Jesus's alone time on the mountain or wilderness. Recall the Bible referred to him as one with the father and holy Spirit? Well, if he says we are created in his image, and there is only one God in three persons, does that not point to you that there is only one you in other two inner you? Literally, I am saying that when Jesus communes with the father and holy Spirit, he is infact communing with his soul and spirit; he himself being the body. 

Ergo my dear, you are home to yourself. Whether you win or loose, you should never be afraid to come home. Home is the only place that won't judge you. It is the only place you can cry out your sorrow. The place where you can always run to whenever, wherever and however. 

Nothing in life should be worth more to you than your home, because without this home to start with, you have nothing at all; not life itself, and not the things in life which are what you are getting depressed about. 

You want to remain sane and refreshed? Learn to crawl back within you. Learn to always run to the home already formed.  

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