Diary of a bad person

 

Every now and then, I get really confused and sad too whenever I have to do something that somehow makes another person angry or sad. It breaks my heart each time I am called wicked, even when all I have done is that which I think right. Not that I am saying I am good...I may not be, and doesn't have the slightest desire to be. Yet ironically, my whole life seem to have been lived trying to be. 

Goodness is relative, you know, because for every actions you take, no matter how fascinatingly sincere or noble, someone is definitely going to get hurt. Goodness to some people can mean your presenting them their enemy's head in a platter. To some others, you are good as long you give them what they want. 

Sometimes I wish I was a good person, but I can't just be, because all goodness does is drain me and drive me crazy. Just the other day at work, a colleague asked me to do two works at thesame, that is, mine and hers, and when I refused, she started giving me a cold shoulder. 

Another day, I checked my clock around 12:31pm and a colleague who was supposed to resume work at 7:30am was yet to come to work. She neither called in sick nor asked another person who was off duty to work for her. This was not the first, second, third or even the fifth time she was doing it. I mean, coming to work anytime she wanted. I was angry, not because of the intentionality of her actions, but because I knew that she expected me to cover up for her and that would mean double work for me, which I did not only hate doing, but also resented, especially knowing well enough that the person I am suffering for is probably somewhere enjoying herself. 

When next I checked my phone around past 1pm, I saw her message on WhatsApp, saying she couldn't come to work early because she was apparently sick. I checked the time of that message, it was sent few minutes before past 1pm. That became the second point of my anger. The first point was in why she had to text me at all. I wasn't her partner nor the manager, we don't share thesame kind of duty and she knew pretty well I was on my own duty. Usually she wouldn't even say anything, but I guess she texted this time because the management was already on her neck for her constant nonchallancy towards her work. 

Actually, one thing I abhor is the attitude of trying to or infact taking advantage of me from any angle. I don't do it to people, knowingly, and I expect the same from them. I knew she didn't want to call anyone to work for her, because she knew she was going to do thesame for the person too. In other words, she wanted to eat her cake and still have it, thereby making me the scape goat in her game of greed. I wouldn't have said a thing if she hadn't texted me though, being that I believed it wasn't in my place to query her as long as she doesn't involve me. But too bad, she gave me the right to the moment she sent that text. 

Doing her work and mine at the same time because she hadn't shown up was one thing, but her expecting me to do it without a very tangible reason was another. I didn't reply her immediately, knowing that I am dangling in between the devil and the red Sea. She had asked me to cover up for her, that she was sick. This was tangible enough excuse to anyone, and to make matters worst, my own partner, who liked to be seen as good would have done it for her. I was expected to not react differently. Otherwise, I would obviously be known as mean and wicked. 

I waited, trying to not hurt my own self and at the same time still not making this person sad, angry or mad at me. I looked for options, for reasons, for convinctions to make me do what she was expecting me to, but I got none. All that raged in my head was angry questions after angry questions. I opened my mouth to make excuses for her, but all that came out was, "Why do people like tempting their fellow humans? Why can't she just do what's right for Christ's sake? If she was sick as she claimed, can't she just call her partner to replace her for the period of her sickness, knowing full well I was on duty too? Father Lord! Which serious human even texts someone around 1pm to tell them to cover up for them in a work she was supposed to resume at 7:30am?". I fought really hard within me to not yell at her or reply her so harshly, and this was only because she had added that "she was sick". I didn't want to be the devil without pity or mercy.   

At the end of the fight with my spirit, I decided I would cover up for her, but before that, I would pacify my aggreived spirit by giving her a piece of my mind. So when I replied her, I told her plainly that she had no business telling me to work for her, because to start with, I was neither her partner nor was I in a position to grant her permission of any kind. "I can't be doing my work and yours at the same time, and so you should have called someone to replace you like every other person does when they can't make it to work", I said to her. 

She came to work later that day around 4:00pm and told her partner, who also does the same thing that I refused to work for her. They both concluded that I was mean, and they didn't like me. They preferred my partner, because she would always do what they ask without complain. 

I was hurt when I heard them say that, but this time, I didn't cry at night like I used to anytime I quarrel with a colleague or friend. I was getting used to being called wicked and mean. Sure, even till now, I still feel that tingle of hurt somewhere at the middle of my heart at every "you are wicked" said to me, but I don't care much any longer. I already decided that if being wicked means fighting for myself and not allowing myself to be stepped upon, then please welcome to my world, the world of a bad person, where rule number one says,"do not intentionally step on my toes or you will get crushed without fear or mercy".